So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
