Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
why do cheetos always look like penises
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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