Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
