i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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