Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize