4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
