we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
