Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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