I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
