90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
