apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
