I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
