Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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