it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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