I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Randomize
