does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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