More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
