Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
