This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
it's like iHOP with fire
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
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What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
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I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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