i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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