i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
