I think my fart just growled at me.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
