Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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