now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
