i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
