I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
