i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
