does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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