You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
