Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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