she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
