i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
