Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
