Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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