why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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