So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
