I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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