i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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