got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
