One girl and one boy is just not enough.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
