allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
it was like eating out sand paper
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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