I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
