Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
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