dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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