i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
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My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It's never too late to be topless.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
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I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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