First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
