wrigley field is MILF paradise
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
