He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
