I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
my vag is so smooth its legendary
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
