there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
