I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
