what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
