I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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