Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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