Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
