id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
