see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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