He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
