dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You can't motorboat a personality
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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