I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
